Marty called his son: “Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.” “But dad how can that be,“ the son asked, “you have been married for […]
A fellow walked into a bank in New York City asking for a $4,000-dollar loan. “Well, before we lend you the money we are going to need some kind of security” the bank teller said. “No problem” the man responded here are the keys to my car “you’ll see it, it’s a black Porsche parked […]
Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant. “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested. “We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.” “Aah, that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he […]
Two thugs walked into a Mexican bank and demanded that the teller hand over all she had. “No comprendo” (I don’t understand) was her innocent response. Unsure of how to proceed, one of the thugs held out his gun and screamed “anyone hear speak Spanish?” Hesitantly, a young man approached. With his gun to the […]
Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. […]
Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street. The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer. The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the […]
Ted was going bald, there was no two ways about it. Trying to cheer him up his wife Barbara bought him a toupee. Barbara was very excited to show off her “new husband,” so she was thrilled when one of their friends invited them to a party at their house. It was later that night […]
1. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs 2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral. 3. I intend to live forever… or die trying. 4. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober. 5. A clear conscience is […]
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife. “Really?”, one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few seconds […]
Two oldies got engaged, and as they were strolling down the street excitedly planning there wedding they passed a drugstore. “Excuse me” the man said to the clerk, “Do you sell medicine for memory problems?” “Sure” replied the clerk “all kinds.” “How about for arthritis?” “Yes,” replied the clerk. “Wheelchairs, walkers, adult diapers?” “Yeah,” replied […]
Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80?” “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No,” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or […]
While working the lunch shift at a local restaurant, I watched as an elderly couple ate. It seemed as if the man was the only one eating. First his appetizer, then his main, and then finally his dessert. All the while with his wife just looking on, not even touching her food. Confused, I approached […]
