Journalistic Excellence

Note: According to Steven Ward of Brunel University, London, this piece comes from “The Journalistic Excellence” column in the bi-weekly UK magazine Private Eye’s Colmanballs section.

Jon Snow: “In a sense, Deng Xiaoping’s death was inevitable, wasn’t it?”
Expert: “Er, yes.” (Channel 4 News)

“As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other.” (John Sleightholme – BBC1)

“If England are going to win this match, they’re going to have to score a goal.” (Jimmy Hill – BBC)

“Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy – four very different names.” (Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)

“Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I’d wave goodbye to my arms quite happily.” (Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine)

“Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.” (Metro Radio Sports Commentary)

Listener: “My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day.”
Simon Fanshawe: “How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?” (Talk Radio)

Interviewer: “So did you see which train crashed into which train first?”
15-year-old: “No, they both ran into each other at the same time.” (BBC Radio 4)

Presenter (to palaeontologist): “So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?”
Expert: “Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we’d get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: “So it’d be like some sort of hairy gorilla?”
Expert: “Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks.” (GLR)

Kilroy-Silk: “Did you mean to get pregnant?”
Girl: “No. It was a cock-up.”

Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: “Sex is an anti-climax after that!”
Desmond Lynam: “Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw that.” (BBC)

Tags: England, Jon Snow

Category: General Jokes