1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. 2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. 3. Gun wounds again? 4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. 5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries. 6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken! 7. Take my advice, or […]
Try these stress-relieving and fun things to do in an elevator. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and mutter, “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut up!” Crack open your briefcase or purse; while peering inside ask, “Got enough air in there?” Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and […]
When your kids are driving you bananas, consider calling the psychiatric hotline to take your mind off your worries at home. TELEPHONE: Ring, Ring,… RECORDING: ‘Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1, repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please […]
Once there was a little boy playing around his house. He was twirling around, and suddenly, he knocked over the outhouse. Frightened that he would be caught, he ran into the woods and didn’t come out until it got dark. When he arrived back home, his father was waiting for him. He asked suspiciously, “Son, […]
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!” (“Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that […]
Note: This isn’t funny, from one point of view, but then, from another… A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for […]
An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him […]
A pair of tourists were out in the fields when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they’re curious so they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once […]
By Dave Barry 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, it’s full potential, that word would be “meetings.” 3. There is a very fine […]
Funny, but true 😉 A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. “You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the […]
A man owned a small ranch near Sheridan, Wyoming. The Wyoming Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him. “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the investigator. “Well,” replied the rancher, “there’s […]
Professor of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte. Professor of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing. Professor of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines. Professor of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the […]
